relient k - when i go down

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes it's head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I life my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To life me up again

junior year. what to say. well it's pretty much over. i'm really glad, let's get personal shall we? this past school year has been difficult for me, it's not just because of my schoolwork, or my job, or SMT it was me! sadly enough i became depressed, no reasons why, i just was. i can't describe how pitiful and pathetic i was. it began as soon as junior year began. it was just a sorry sight to see. although i admit i never did try to show it, i tried my best to laugh and be happy around people. putting up a front for everyone to see. i guess thats where the problems began to grow more. i didn't comfort myself or try to help myself, i prayed that it would go away, if i didn't acknowledge it. but nope i was wrong. i crashed and burned over and over. it was a never ending cycle. i  would break down everyone sunday, just because the next day there was school. i can't even understand myself lol

i really couldn't share my burdens/depressions with anyone, it was just hard. i didn't think any one would get me or i wouldn't feel secure telling them. so i kept it to myself but some friends knew they tried helping but nothing worked. the depression was consuming me in every way possible. i lost trust between everyone i knew eventually. i ended up alone because i really did lose hope in everything.. i would cry constantly. tears would flow and i couldnt stop it. sigh.

im not sure when the "recovery" started but im feeling way better than i did before. i began to turn to God off and on. it was hard cause He couldnt talk to me immediately. but i slowly started seeing Him around me! a teacher talked to me about how i was. i cried so badly hahaha. idk why maybe cause someone noticed i wasn't okay or something. made me feel like oh im not really alone (although i never really was) and a friend would ask me am i okay and made me talk it out with her. things started to get better. i was "re-awakened" so to speak. i felt like i lost who i was before . like idk who i was anymore. but then i felt like life began to be in color, not the simple grayscale i had seen.

then one day, i was really upset for no reason.. like usual, i turned on my iPod to put on when i go down and after that Starfield - Everything is beautiful played and a line that caught my attention was "Everything is beautiful Even when the tears are falling" and i was like whoa! it made me stop and look at life again and how it is so beautiful! then Jesus lord of heaven came on, "Your love is deeper than the ocean, higher than the heavens, reaches beyond reaches the stars in the sky." for some reason at that moment i felt like God was saying My love is deeper than the ocean, higher than the heavens reaches beyond the stars in the sky. yeah. it was cool. like idk i guess ever since then i started to not be so upset and realize im not alone. and God def helps lifts me up. yay thats the end of my depression!

how about a turnaround?